Wednesday, March 26, 2008
My Back.. Christ, My Back...
Certain things (Lush grey beards, natural Must, 80th Birthdays, and mechanical bladders) announce the arrival of old-age. Another of them is Back Pain.
This morning, at a time I previously did not believe existed (5.07am) I awoke screaming, like a little girl (in a blender). An ariel shot, as I lay on the bed, would of shown a body in twisted agony, and also rather worryingly in the shape of a swastika. Like a human tea-towel being wrung out by some huge pain beast, I was a crumpled mess. I attempted to writhe about and generally wallow in my own suffering but I couldn't. I groaned and cried until I even began annoying myself. By 5.09 I had somehow raised my contorted self and dragged my faulty body out into the sitting room. Bent over, like a creepy and naked hunchback, I caught sight of myself in a mirror. It was an image that would make a priest burn his bible.
The pain was intense, so naturally I began to attempt a number of idiotic and ill-advised things to ease my suffering. I grabbed a mop first, and proceeded to try to use this to straighten myself. I may have caused irreparable spine damage with this method, and I most certainly broke the head off the mop. I proceeded to stretch and bend myself but all I achieved was a series of smaller, slightly less painful aches on other parts of my body. Eventually, I was on all fours, back arched, like a camel, literally howling at the moon (like a Werewolf, or Werecamel if you will) and that's how I stayed. Quite pitiful really. Eventually the pain subsided and I was able to get up, weeping slightly and attempted to go back to bed. It was however, time to get up.
If anyone from work is reading this, I'd stay well away from me today..