An Irish Christmas Tale

It was Christmas Eve. A soft light entered the room like a tip-toeing sex beast as a winter symphony of snow, throwing itself against the window, distant sleigh bells and the tortured screams of somebody being bottled, played out. The air was filled with festive scents. Mince Pies fresh from the oven sent their delicious aroma around the house like a fast-spreading gas leak, teasing as they did, every sleeping and twitching nose. It wouldn’t be long until Santa arrived thought nobody in particular as they snuggled even closer to their various warm bedfellows. Mum held Dad. Little Jenny held her teddy. Fr Murphy held Bobby. It was night of magic, a night of love and a stern warning to Bobby not to wear a mini-skirt to mass ever again.

The snow was getting heavier as Christmas Eve gave way to Christmas Day. Children slept with smiles on their faces (except maybe Bobby) as they dreamt, imagining they could hear Rudolph trotting about proudly on the roof. Some probably weren’t dreaming, it could indeed have been Rudolph up there, but most likely it was a someone from the bank coming to repossess the house or at the very least, one of their debt stricken parents looking for a good height from which to hang a noose. It was a time of peace, of hope and a stern warning to little Bobby to go a little easy on the eye make-up at the Parish Fair next time.

But of course, for every happy Christmas and every smiling child there are some unhappy Christmases and not very smiley children doing frowns. For every Mince Pie there’s a ‘Bin Pie’, which is just stuff from a bin like old paper and potato peel and there’s usually no pastry, just like soup, but there’s no soup either. For every Rudolph there’s the family dog crudely made up to look like a reindeer and parading around in a dignity crushing attempt to brighten up your sorry little holiday period. And for every Santa there’s no Santa. Children around the country waking up to nothing. No presents, no food, and in Bobby's case, no underpants.

Don’t forget the true spirit of Christmas. Brought to you by Fianna Fail and the Irish Catholic Church.



Merry Christmas.

Christmas Greetings from TV3

They were late this year..

“Dear Michael (?), we all know the feeling. You’re tucked up in bed, the soft glow of the landing light (or a visiting rapists torch) drifts into the room like a soft whisper (or silent and poisonous gas). The distant jingle of sleigh-bells (or a lunatic with a bicycle chain) arouse the senses as you start to count the hours until it will be Christmas morning. You’ve never felt so warm (house-fire maybe?) and a smile slowly creeps up on you (like a sleazy uncle on a hot summers day in the 80’s when you got one of those small paddling pools that everyone had). Well, guess what. With Irelands favorite* TV station, TV3, you get not only the best in year round entertainment, but also the best in Christmas television. Starting just before Christmas, and ending sometime after it, TV3’s 2008 festive schedule is packed to the brim with magic, wonder and advertisements. Just look at some of the examples :

An Audience with Alan Hughes - The ever popular ‘front lounge’ weatherman entertains a star studded audience at this specially recorded show. Viewers will hardly notice that the audience shots are from ‘an audience with Lionel Ritchie’, originally aired back in June. – Might want to remove that bit, LOL!!, Ed!

Filthy Carpet Munchers - Fascinating insight into the lives of carpet bugs and lice. Using microscopic microscopes we look at these little...Oh wait, you've stopped paying attention cos you thought this was a sexy lesbian show!!?.. Sponsored by Meanies

Snap! - Brush Sheils hosts this fast paced game show where contestants must battle each other by laying down cards on a table andshouting 'Snap' when two of the same cards appear together. Prizes provided by Graces newsagents, Ballinasloe

The big crazy fucking deadly Christmas movie – The Nutty Professor – Sober tale of a quiet 47 year old Norfolk Professor who is diagnosed with clinical depression based insanity which threatens the stability of his family and job. Starring Terry Nutkins (the Really Really Wild Show)

Live Olympic Games!! - Exclusive coverage of the dog Olympics from Serbia. We’re live from trackside for the ‘Dog on another Dogs back’ 75-metre hurdle and the final of the ‘bark off’. We also have extended coverage of this morning’s ‘Dog and Spoon’ race. Presented in association with Whiskas.

The School around the corner (From Albania) - Children say the funniest things, and this popular show from the former Eastern Bloc country is no exception. Today we meet the students of Zigau girls school who have battled back from the horror and trauma of an attack from a marauding decapitation gang and a serious gas leak that went unnoticed for six years.

Bowling for Coolmine - Behind the scenes documentary, which sees a team of amateur Bowlers from the North Dublin estate cashing in on their close name association to the Michael Moore film

Hammered - The hilarious Ulster comedy continues to win awards and last week was the recipient of the first ‘Pat the Baker’ television hero prize. In this special Christmas episode, Milo is concerned to find his house has been burned to the ground and his car daubed with politically sensitive slogans. Whilst on the ‘other side’ Jamie’s hands are sawn of by the O’Malley twins leaving him doubtful for his wedding later that day.

I think you will agree, that TV3 is simply more than ‘UTV with a different logo’ and this Christmas raises the bar of in festive entertainment.

All the best for the festive season,
The TV3 gang!"


*Survey was conducted in the men’s toilets of Busaras. Question asked “If we threatened to drug you, beat you and send your body in small pieces to each member of your family, would you agree that TV3 is the best TV channel on Irish Television?”. We got 6 yes’s.!

Disgraces Christmas memories..

I once gave an ex-Girlfriend an Epilator for Christmas. It being top of the range and purposely ‘the most expensive they had’ mattered not as the festive tears began flowing.

I suppose you could blame Fakey. I had called him and his (then) Fiancé, soon to be (now) Wife, who was (then) and (still is) my ex's sister and asked if they thought it was a good idea. They literally cheered me on from the sidelines as I bought the thing.

Not the first Christmas/Relationship that Fakey ruined on me, I'll have you know.

TV3 Christmas Schedule

TV3 Christmas

In the spectacular surroundings of the future site of the Poolbeg incinerator, TV3 launched their Christmas Schedule last night to much fanfare. Invited guests were dazzled by the charms of Toni, the 72 year old exotic dancer and Matt Cooper's extraordinary juggling.

Christmas Day:

6am - SantaMental - A festive tale with a twist as Santa Claus is accused of mass murder in 1930s Wisconsin. Viewers please note that some Children may find the scenes of ‘Santa in the Electric Chair’ and ‘Santa’s autopsy’ disturbing, particularly as we are showing this at 6am on Christmas morning, just as every child in the country is waking.

9am - Black Mass - Celebrating Christmas from St Ivor’s in Clonmel. Presented by Mary Black.

10am - Johnny Snowman, PI - Special Holiday episode of the award winning Cop show from Liberia. In today’s episode Johnny Snowman decides to celebrate Christmas by switching on a radiator.

11am - Xpose Christmas Special - Another chance to catch TV's sexiest bunch of transvestites as entertainment news and gossip from all around the globe is beamed via your television set, into your living room. We catch up with Brendan Bowyer before AND after his colon operation and we meet the Fair City actor who but behind a series of rape allegations, and a serious drink driving incident, to become on the nations favourite actors.

12pm - British Soap Opera - More drama from the mainland as we catch up with the comings and goings of a typical UK rural village. In today's episode a buck toothed Irish gombeen causes havoc when he releases wild pigs into the local comprehensive

1pm- News from the Back of a Bike - Bibi Baskin presents all today’s
headlines from the back of a bike on the Naas Dual carriageway.


2pm - The Big fucking huge massive Christmas Movie - Prazgo Et Wzicky - Dark and broody tale from Lithuania about the 1917 coal shortage. Andre Kiniswizcech stars as a boy in love with his own brother who must face up to the stark realities of life in the mines, and adulthood, when his brother is killed by a train. (1945 - Black and White )

4pm - Queens Speech - Ant and Dec present the eagerly awaited monarchs Christmas message.

6pm - The Colin Farrell Sex tape - Hi-octane sexual performance from the 'faddeler' and some whore. Sponsored by Woodies DIY

8pm - The explosion of Mary Albert's - Taught and emotional tear jerking heartbreaker starring Victoria Principal as an emotional and tearful broken-hearted woman who has just had her heart broken by an unemotional man. Her only friend, the bottle, comes to the rescue, but in a tear jerking and heartfelt finale, which is full of emotion, she finally meets a man (Hulk Hogan) who she feels can mend her broken heart TVM 1982

10pm - Gary Glitter (Live in Concert) - Rock legend Gary Glitters spectacular performance from London, 1985. Features all the hits. Support from the Welsh Junior boys choir

12pm - Sing me a sad song - Harrowing insight into the Welsh Junior Boys Choir scandal from London in 1985 when they were assaulted by an unnamed Rock Star, after a concert in London

1am - Power Cut

An aging rock star is not just for Christmas

Consider National Disgraces considerable, yet evenly proportioned, weight behind this rather fine campaign to make Tom Waits Christmas Number 1

Anything that keeps Josh Adams 'You punctured my heart' or whatever evil shit is out at the moment, off top spot, is good enough for me.