Wednesday, October 31, 2007

How many HSE workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I suppose, if you've spent 7 years at lightbulb changing college, you'd be a little upset that 'anyone' could come in and do your job for you. I mean, I would be a little miffed if I arrived into work tomorrow and found someone pressing the buttons on this black thing on my desk and walking around the office with blank pages of paper in their hands and drinking coffee and nodding intently, so I can understand what the professional light bulb replacement engineers are thinking.

Still, they can always reciprocate and offer their services to the Health Service Executive in exchange. Sample headline "Heart Shock! - Electrician ruins cardiac op, kills 26 in process"

See if they like it then

*Credit to Mrs Cunningham for the scoop

Goldfinger, Bloc Party, Flux.

..from the Peter Serafinowicz show

..and the divisive new Bloc Party video. Amazing

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Bibi Baskin

A few posts back, Disgrace shocked the Nation by declaring his intent to assume exile status and leave behind the country of his great emergence. There was poetry in the air that day, and perhaps a little too much cognac.

Now, barely weeks later, old N Dissy, has been persuaded to stay. Following an emotional number of weeks where Mac Disgracey faced off with 3 of the 10 most stressful things in life, the decision to keep the N boy and his valuable sperm in Ireland is sure to delight the masses.

So, rather than feeling the sand of freedom caress his toes, Disgrace will now be seen queuing for the 15B. Instead of sharing linguistics with the ancient Aztecs, he will be watching Fair City. Instead of dancing with passion to a street tango under an Argentinean moon, he will be raped and burgled..

Viva Irlanda

Monday, October 22, 2007

Monday Mournings

I came within a whisker of unleashing a cup of coffee into a colleagues face there. They were smiling. On a Monday. They were talking about Soccer or Profit/loss elasticity or something completely annoying and I just stood there, quivering with violent calm. It was probably just that I really wanted the coffee and that scalding would not be conducive to a career masterplan but I swear to god, it was nearly burn baby burn. Anyway, so I even went into the toilet to check my appearance in case I did anything that would end up on Sky News. My fellow workers will be glad to know that I'm not happy with my hair.

Perhaps it might be an idea not to watch 'Office Space' every Sunday night

I actually googled Bagpipes there to see how difficult they would be to buy. I just fancy arriving into work tomorrow and playing them at my desk.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Gonna write a classic

So, Myself and Fakey have decided to write a Sitcom. As of yet, the details are still being ironed out, but we have agreed that an element of 'humour' is important, if not crucial. 'Make it funny' Fakey said, 'and work backwards'..

Fakey likes to work backwards (No, not in that way!) and who am I to argue? I have first hand experience of working with Fakester so I know what to expect. A strong work ethic with a dash of 'looking at lesbians on the internet'. There'll be espressos, double espressos and double espressos with beer in them. There'll be inspirational board meetings and lavish orgies of ideas interspersed with nights in custody and hospitalisation. Working with Fake Daddy is like riding a bike without a saddle.. Yep, that's right, hugely enjoyable..

We've already started. In fact, all those years ago when a homemade Ireland flag we made nearly caused a Dublin Bus to crash, we vowed to get on the payroll with each other. There have been moments since, such as our glorious Petrol Station days, but only now are we taking it seriously.

Fakey is hell-bent on the series revolving around two polar opposites, living against the backdrop of a dying Celtic Tiger. I kinda prefer two Polar Bears living with a Celtic loving Tiger but we'll reach a compromise. We have some ideas, some good, all bad.

Vince and Onions - Vince is a 32 year old over achiever. He likes the fine things in life and Onions, a 35 year old slacker, with a secluded rural background, living in the big 'smoke' for the first time ever... Episode one - Onions goes on a date with his cousin and Vince is heavily taxed on imported wine

Bronx-itis - Comedy set in the US starring Charlie Sheen as a washed up baseball player. In the first episode his Mother comes to visit and gets electrocuted whilst his love life goes from bad to worse when Sheila admits to having a 'fling' with his dog, snappy

Maxi Priest - Father Ted rip off featuring a taxi driving father who delivers his sermons to his captive audience. Every episode ends in a tragic traffic accident, with the priest delivering the last rites, usually, and hilariously, whilst he asks for the fare..

Here we come Stardom!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

'Dead' míle fáilte

So, Ireland is 'The Friendliest country in the world' according to Lonely planet..

Ok, I've just checked my dictionary and there is no mention of friendliness involving a fire extinguisher in the face. Even Foreign students being strangled? The dictionary doesn't refer to this as being a one of our hundreds of thousands of welcomes. Baffling. And what about our daily murders and shootings? Not there I'm afraid, maybe that'll be in the next edition..

And what about the gang of Americans I met on Saturday night who witnessed, not one, not two, BUT FIVE, fist fights break out at the corner of Auinger St and Stephens St. Do you think they ran away because they felt welcomed? Are they writing postcards right now to their parents

'Dear Mom and Dad, I think I'm going to stay here for good. I saw a guy use a chainsaw on a postman earlier. It was so exciting. And I was in a big supermarket and an old woman, with lots of gold jewellery (she must be rich!!) punched her 5 year old child in the face for crying because it was cold and she'd just sold his jacket for heroin. The Irish are so nice. Oh, as I write this I'm being raped. Wish you were here, Stacey'

Still, the guy who drove by me at great speed, hanging out of the window of his luminous car on Wexford st the other night and told me he would 'set fire to my oul one' was being friendly. Wasn't he?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Just call me 'el Disgracó'

So ND is thinking of leaving the country. It's not personal but I just gotta go. Like James Joyce, the Duke of Wellington and Barry McGuigan, I think my cause will be better served if I took it to the globe. I hope you understand.

I'll do up a knapsack, pop it on a stick and take to the highway. It'll be feverishly romantic. My clothes will have the distressed look of a drifter, with a dash of hero. Strangers, will be high fiving me from passing trucks. I'll beat the dusty paths and cross the locomotive trail to the strains of Crosby, Stills and Nash. Dogs and goats will gallop along side me as I gather pace through the council estates, and will sleep beneath the stars with me, gently unrolling their tongues on my sweaty brow. I may or may not hire a Peruvian boy to carry my laptop and CD's. The days will become weeks and the weeks will become, strangely, days. I will know the stars by name, and each night I will serenade a different one. Wolves, will be repelled with ease and would be rapists will be invited to discuss their problems. Ticker tape will greet me in each town, the mothers will send their young with baskets of fresh bread. There'll be many a frothy one waiting for me in the bars. Local broadsheets will refer to me as the 'Mr Drift' and will count down my arrival. Flags will half-mast as I leave, the name 'Disgrace' will be a popular one for newly born kids for many a year to come.

Either that or I could fly Ryanair

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Beirut - Nantes

So myself and Fakey have fallen out over these guys. I didn't rate them you see, and we engaged in a little bit of fist fighting over this. It's pretty much how we do things. However, I was alerted to their appearance on Blogotheque and I must admit to being mildly seduced by their charms. I love the industrial apartment complex as it reminds me of the place I lived in when I 'studied' in Dundalk (as it happened, it was a recently bombed hotel, but the rent was cheap and the corpses made great eating) and the tune itself is a raggle taggle folk drifter that makes you wanna go straight up to the attic and grab that banjo.

Of course this doesn't mean that Fakey was right... but it was worth the argument, if you get my drift?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007


So, Disgrace is back. I'm saving most of the details for the book, but let's just say that being tied to a radiator and forced to tongue kiss a man dressed as Brian Keenan sounds like Funderland compared to what I've been through. Still, we learn and we live, and as long as the radiator has an eco friendly setting, we should all be ok

Anyway, horses. I was on my way to work this morning and a kid raced by on the back of one. At 8.30 am. On the Rathmines rd.
I note that top Jockey Kieran Fallon has been found guilty of fixing races. I also note that Kuerten's horse's B sample has been found guilty. Is this meandering nations love affair with horses over? I mean, other than having them in for dinner like they do in parts of Clondalkin, haven't we been guilty of mistreating them for too long?

Still, it is nice to see them in positions of power