Friday, March 7, 2008

New Cancer Scandal


Ireland was in the grips of another Cancer scandal, when top of the range Astrologer Fergus Gibson, announced that people born under the sign of cancer can expect to enter a period of "great change and upheaval". In his newspaper column, the playful astrologer went on to say that cancer-ites should "Set aside some time today for daydreaming -- and let their imaginations roam freely". He concluded his chilling prophecy by declaring "You need to sit back and take a little break from the crazy dealings of the day. There's just too much going on for you to make sense of and it could be that your emotional state needs some downtime".

This latest scandal is sure to cause ripples of discord through the Dail today when Fergus Gibson look-a-like Mary Harney (a Pisces, who according to Fergus are prone to 'comfort eating' and 'Pimples') answers questions from the opposition, namely everyone else.

Gibson, speaking from his lair yesterday advised people not to panic as "tomorrow they can expect to come into a great deal of Money, and must resist the urge to spend foolishly". Allegedly, the Taoiseach greeted this news by sporting a giant erection and a grin that could burn down a school. He also winked at Fergus but he had turned away and did not notice.

National Disgrace visited Fergus in a bid to get the background on this latest Cancer Scandal but left immediately after Gibson removed his pants and invited him into his "Sex Parlour of the Future". Shouting after Disgrace, Gibson raised further questions by declaring that "Romance may require you hold your tongue ALL WEEK until the 8th and only then, use great tact when you calmly sit them down in the 'right atmosphere' and explain your feelings with as little fan fare as you can muster".

Fergus Gibson, Mary Harney and the Taoiseach were unavailable for comment last night, presumably in a star-sign fuelled orgy of naked flesh but Michael Sharkey of Sharkeys Denture repairs did comment that 'We're having a great sale at the moment'.

4 comments:

ger said...

How is it that its just your good self and the International Herald Tribune (Politics Section) that are reporting on "The Gibson"?

Only the other day, I nearly missed the Great Gibsey's premonition that:

" Thanks to the very beneficial new moon in your quadrant, you should find it much easier to have that long overdue, but necessary discussion with someone. You’ll be able to get off your chest whatever has been bugging you! "

Ha Ha! How could he have known? So that day I did tie my boss to a chair and explain how I just had to get these teeny invisible flesh eating bugs out of my lung-cavities - spooky or wha'?

Now I have loads of time to read old Gibby's "column". What will tomorrow bring? More Diazomethamphetizene(tm) for me I'll bet! Silly Wabbit...

Rusticissimus maximus said...

'Fergus Gibson, Mary Harney and the Taoiseach were unavailable for comment last night, presumably in a star-sign fuelled orgy of naked flesh...'

An image that will endure...

OneForTheRoad said...

Not as much as the image of Bertie Ahern sporting an erection...

National Disgrace said...

Ger, I'm no doctor but....

Rusticus.. Tell me your not going to bed with a smile on your face

OFTR.. I had a sporting erection once, but then they threw me out of the Ireland Womens Hockey teams dressing room..