TV3 and BBC NI Spring Schedules

Written down on a pack of Major, and secretly delivered to Disgrace in an infamous Glory-Hole in Supermacs Galway, TV3 have launched their latest Spring schedule. I think you’ll agree, emigration has never seemed so desirable.

Also, after receiving a coded message from a raspy voiced Ulster-man, we can also reveal the new BBC Northern Ireland listings, under the threat of death of course.

BBC NI Spring Season Highlights:

The Sex Counties – A province divided by religion, yet unified by its love of all things carnal. Tonight, borders prove no barrier to romance, when a man attaches a telescopic device to his wee member and makes relations with a catholic in Dundalk

Border Collie – Crime drama about a dog who patrols the border crossing in Monaghan. Tonight: Ringo (that’s his name) is run over by train

Pipe Up! – Celebrating the best in local pipe bands. Today we meet the Falls Road Pipers, who quickly demonstrate that rather than ‘blowing pipes’ for musical enjoyment, they prefer to ‘blow up’ pipe bombs, for killing enjoyment - Featuring ‘Shultz’s Apricot Sonata’ on brass.

Orange Orders – CCTV footage of people ordering orange drinks from various pubs in the province

NI on film –‘ The Lord, the Lover and the Massive Car Bomb’ – Emotional tour-de-force about a want-away lord, who falls in love, buys a car and gets blown up. The twist is that it’s not necessarily in that order!

The Northern Irish News from Northern Ireland on BBC northern Ireland (not available in Northern Ireland) – News Flash – Man shows arse on bus in Belfast, sheep gives birth to chicken in Down and multiple decapitations at Windsor Park fail to ruin Milk Cup final

UTV news accidentally broadcast on BBC NI news – A Catholic wins a fun run in Manor-quigley, two tourists are released unharmed from a warehouse in Lugran and Gerry Kelly reveals his darkest secret

Sports results – Fermanagh Cowboys have beaten the Crossmaglen Paedos in a game of Hockey, whilst a group of youths have beaten some old people in a game of violence. Also, Linfield have done stuff too.

Snow Patrols Gary Lightbody talks about... Marxism – Soppy song-smith Gary Lightbody performs acoustic renderings of favourite Marxist mantras. Tonight, ‘The Giants Causeway is ours forever’ and ‘Give a Southy Some Celery’

TV3: Spring has sprung:

Hammered! – Saucy Ulster comedy. Finbar’s decision to rent an inflatable castle from the Orange Order Children’s Party Commission because it was cheaper than the other options goes off without a hitch, but when it explodes, killing all his children, he’s left staring at the saved pennies with a forlorn look on his face. Meanwhile, ‘up the road’. Angus is left in a quandary, sorry, I mean, Angus is left in a QUARRY. His body, that is.

Tullamore Housewives – Inspired by hit US show ‘Real Women of South California’ TV3 launch their new reality based TV show about the world of Tullamore Wives (Twilfs) – Tonight, Bernie bakes a cake for the GAA fundraiser, Bridget slips in silage and damages her elbow and Concepta’s son surprises everyone by stealing his father’s legally held shotgun and holding up a Centra

Half Past Seven – Entertaining look at a clock at exactly half past seven

Sing like you’re whinging – Talent show where we forgo the talent and concentrate on the back-stories that make us all cry. Tonight Brian from Galway dazzles us with his show of grief for his dead grandmother before breaking down during a clay pottery demonstration, and a former Christian brothers priest arrives on stage to entertainingly confess some heinous crimes before breaking down backstage in an emotional display of expert juggling

Peig Sayers on... – The legendary Islander is resurrected (Mark Cagney in charity shop women’s clothing and his wife's make-up) to interview some of Irelands most important PUBLIC figures about important issues – Tonight Peig talks to Brian Kennedy about the Buttevant train disaster and probes Enda Kenny about.. Well, actually, she just probes him.

GEE – TV3  presents the Irish version of the (s)hit US show Glee – (might want to delete the ‘s’ there before publishing, LOL – Ed) – Head of Irish Special Olympics Mary Davis is the guest star and immediately finds offence in the performance of the ABBA classic ‘the winner takes it all’ suggesting that everyone should get a prize. Also some shit people sing some shit songs for all the shits out there that like shit TV

Mrs Whites Boys – TV3’s thinly veiled ‘homage’ to RTE’s Mrs Browns boys’ gathers apace in the latest episode entitled ‘It’s all White!’- Barry accidentally leaves chewing gum on the toilet seat leading his mother to get stuck during her morning constitutional. Cue hilarity, and a life changing punch line, ‘I’m stuck on the jacks’

Premiere – Proud to announce that TV3 are the first terrestrial network in the world to show the latest Angela Lansbury movie ‘Tears of my daughter’ – Filmed in 1986 but not given a release until 2008, this taught thriller stars Ted Danson as a man who believes his daughter is the reincarnation of his dead wife, even though his wife is not dead, and he has no daughter. Cue much suspicion from his wife (Angela Lansbury) and his daughter (also played by Angela Lansbury) and Angela Lansbury who is played by both his wife and daughter. (1986, Dir. Fred West. Sepia)

Hammered - The NI comedy is back with a bang. Literally, the entire cast is killed by a car-bomb, left in a car, outside the studio. Which ironically had a strictly no car-bomb policy!

Gary Glitter on.. Two little boys – Singing superstar Gary Glitter tells us why he loves two little boys, the hit song made famous by Rolf Harris