Monday, November 22, 2010

TV3 Bailout Special

7 AM - Morning has broken, so is this Country - Mark Cagney greets the nation like only he can (gimp suit) in this special recession edition of the deeply unpopular and offensive breakfast show. Today Chef Neven McGuire cooks a ‘bailout breakfast’ of steamed newspaper and old twigs whilst music is provided by the band from the Titanic.

10 AM - How cheap is your house? - We meet a Dublin family who had it all; A beautiful 6 bed in Gorey which was just 2.5 hours from work, a shop and crèche that was literally only three bus rides away and a mortgage that was four times their monthly wage, and then lost it all when they realized what a pair of fuckwits they were.

11 AM - Varadkar! - Lively magazine show where ‘our’ Leo invites feuding families on the show to sort out their problems, live on air. Today chaos abounds after Leo removes his trousers to prove a point and Joan Burton continually makes fog-horn noises from the crowd.

12 PM - From Boom to Bust - We look at the effect of large explosions on women’s breasts. Sponsored by nobody.

1 PM - Lunchtime - Badly needed lunch for the employees of TV3; all four of them will be back at two after a recession busting 'hang sang and cuppa cha' in the TV3 'canteen' (bus shelter on Ballymount Rd) with loads of really shit news and wrong weather.

2 PM - Merkels about! - Angela Merkel and her candid camera continue to surprise unsuspecting members of the public with the usual hilarious results. In this episode she sneaks up on Taoiseach Brian Cowen as he showers, rather surprisingly likes what she sees and then makes a particularly sordid sex tape.

3 PM - Ant and Dec on... The Irish Debt crisis - Sobering chat from the two Geordies on how Ireland got caught up in a property bubble, what it needs to do to repair the economy and why a good old gunking and a fiddle about in a bucket of worms can help us all forget about our problems.

4 PM - Noonan’s Nuggets - Sinister voiced Michael Noonan reads from his collection of horrific tales, in his horrifically sinister tale telling voice. Tonight he terrifies us with the spookily titled 'Enda’s naked tribal dancing' and 'Brutons quivering buttocks'. Sponsored by Milk.

5 PM - Take Me Out! - Special recession edition of the hit dating show. Tonight a member of the public gets a chance to 'take out' one of 15 of Irelands 'hottest' politicians, with a semi-automatic shotgun and/or hammer.

6 PM - Oh Vincent - Family sitcom starring Vincent Browne - Tonight Vincent brings a girl home to meet his parents but after a lengthy standoff with the Gardai he is forced to release her safely, but he later cooks a lasagna and eats it.

6.30 PM - Hammered! - Special crisis episode of the Northern Comedy: Tonight: Ollies mortgage worries ease slightly after he his killed by loyalists outside the community centre whilst on the ‘other side’ Marty’s choice of Halloween costume (Provo uniform) goes down badly at the Orange Order get together, not least because Halloween was last month, but mostly because they kill him stone dead.

7 PM - Me so Harney - Fly on the wall documentary that follows the Minister for Health Mary Harney as she goes about her daily business. Tonight a revolving door causes a major scare and Mary is pelted with eggs after an oireachtas meeting leaving her bemoaning the lack of bread in the ministerial car for ‘eggy soldiers'

8 PM - Kilmore - He won't cut welfare, but he might slash your face. The thriller that has everyone talking continues as our anti-hero Eamon ‘Kilmore’ continues his murderous rampage across Ireland. Tonight a bingo hall mourns the loss of its caller and last years 'full house' champion after foolishly agreeing to a labour party fundraiser hosted by, you’ve guessed it.

9PM – FILM Anglo-Grinder – Disturbing horror about a group of grotesque pin-striped fat-cats who lure innocent victims into their lairs by offering free money before quickly launching themselves at them and sucking their blood, eating their faces and playing Frisbee with bits of their corpses before disappearing to somewhere where they blend in, in other words, the USA. (2009, Irish Taxpayer)

11 PM - Ghost Estate - Horror starring Thelma Mansfield who attempts to battle demons when her house doesn't simply get re-possessed, it gets possessed!! wooo-oooo.

12 MIDNIGHT – TV3 ORGY – seedy orgy in the usual place guys. Someone make sure the doors are locked to keep Halligan out. (EDIT – make sure you DO NOT somehow accidentally put this in the TV listings guys. ED)