Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Pirates of the Has-Been

It’s been five months since I cashed in my cards. I turned my back on a huge raise, laughed loudly and ceremoniously burned my slacks. I emerged from Corporate Hell HQ and waved about my imaginary giant cheque like I was a pervert with some imaginary giant cock. The world was my oyster you see, but the next morning, as is with Oysters, I awoke feeling my stomach.

Still, I quickly shook it off. I had a dream you see. A talented writer, or so I’d been told, who’d only recently been commissioned to ghost write a major icons biography, only to lose the gig by submitting a below par and badly spelled 6th chapter. But still, it was a start. I figured it would pan out as follows. Collect dole, hit Bia-Bar, stagger home, find inspiration and end up in some motel throwing money in the air. As the months passed, the dream lingered on. Still have 5 months rent in the bank, no need to panic. Crack open a cold one. Then the 5 months became 4, 4 became 3 and suddenly, today, 3 became 2.

Then it hit me like a Luas. And I was a bus. And the Luas hit the bus. And the bus was me.

It was just a dream. Like the time I went hot air ballooning with David Beckham or was the man in charge with providing soap to Scarlett Johansson in the shower, it wasn’t real. ‘Real’ is shaking a cup at strangers on Camden street or taking it for the cause under a bridge on the grand canal. ‘Real’ is less buying CD’s I could have downloaded for free and more eating yesterdays newspaper from the recycle bin outside Centra. It dawned on me abruptly, like an aprupt evening time dawn. 200 euro a week does not allow one to mix in the iced glass of high society. Signing on for what used to constitute a ‘quiet night out’ does not allow the pocket to relax. Soon, it suggested, I would be getting used to particularly starchy and cardboardy bed linen, or worse, sleeping on my mothers floor.

I then broke my coffee machine by being so out of sorts that I forgot to put water in it. It wheezed and puffed away wondering why it’d been treated to such an act of ignorance and decided to sail off to electric heaven.

Without coffee, my day would drag. That temporary high used to get me through the afternoon show and the comedown would usually require a nap that would bring me past the dangerous hours of five to seven. Then, it was normally a case of putting a crease in the pants and hitting Wexford St. Now, with the cold slap of reality and a defunct coffee maker, I was left alone. Worse still, left alone with my thoughts.

“Even if you get a job, it’ll be a back month, and then some, before you get paid” I whispered to myself

“And that’s unlikely, as there are no jobs” I hummed, irritatingly

“And what’s more, you’re a grade A fuckwit, who has really let himself go. I wouldn’t hire you, and I AM you” my mind went on, rather callously.

I tinkered with the coffee machine. But the fact that several parts of it had by now been made airborne by my impatience, it was always going to be a disaster.

I looked at my calendar, and where once dancing smiley faces occupied the days, a scull and crossbones now lingered.

“That’s it” I thought, showing a remarkable level of mindlessness, despite the lack of coffee

“I’ll become a pirate!”

Seriously though, hand-jobs for a fiver anyone?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Goodness...

I woke up this morning thinking it just your average Wednesday. Then, after realising it was Thursday, I again comforted myself with the fact that today would just be another day, albeit slightly later in the week than I originally thought.

Then the texts started.

They all seemed to be concerned with an individual called Arthur. Yes, I knew that today was the anniversary of Guinness but it didn't register with me just how enormous this day had become. Practically everyone I know is in the pub as I write this (except Fakey). Those that aren't are happy in the knowledge that they have tickets for one of the many, many gigs around Dublin tonight. Some bands are playing twice, and even three times, in different venues. Just like Phil Collins did back in 84. Whilst sadly there's no Phil tonight, it does has a twisted Live Aid vibe about it.

Sorta like a Live Aid for Alcoholics. Which says it all about this little country I think...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Disgrace Experiments #1

Blog through the night

Tonight, I shall provide a minute by minute update of the goings on in Dublin City, when the masses have retired for a bit of the old horizontal. Every Garda Siren, Owl Hoot and defenceless female scream for help will be reported here, as it happens.

It's now 1AM (in the morning) and with the aid of a pot of fresh coffee, with the same consistency as the M50, I have to tools to keep the eyelids raised and bring to you the sordid tales of a nocturnally active city. Yes indeed, I shall remain awake and deliver to you the headlines from an unprinted nighttime paper and tell you what actually happens when you're asleep and sleeping. It's sure going to be exciting. With my envied view of the back of the Harcourt St Garda headquarters I expect to bring you instant news of murderous killings, terrifying illegal robberies and the exact goings on in the mysterious Gardai staff only 'gay rendezvous' room..

My curtains, like your anticipation, are twitching. The night has fallen and I'm ready. I chop up a cup of coffee and chew away.. It's gonna be a long night folks, I suggest you buckle up.

01:17AM : Heading to Bed. Good luck.