Monday, May 4, 2009
Disgraces Guide to Rathmines - Food!!
I was stopped by some English tourists in Rathmines earlier who were looking for some recommendations for somewhere to eat. I asked what they were looking for and they simply said "tasty pucker!! Kebab in me arse geezer!!". So, for them (and pray Christ, they have been recently been mowed down by a lorry) here's a handy tear out and keep guide to Rathmines fooderys.
Yes! Rathmines has food. Lots of it. Whether it’s burger's, chips or simply a rush job sliced pan and tayto combo from Dunne's, this village is sure to have restaurant critics literally going weak at the knees! Boasting more big macs than people, and a seductive strip of flashing neon ‘eating signposts’, you’re as likely to fill your belly in the ‘Mines' as you are to have a human head on your shoulders!! Starting at the canal, and happily racking up the calories towards Rathgar, the choice is mesmerizingly mesmerizing. The Spar at the corner of Grove Park sells a mouth watering range of chocolate bars, chicken baguettes, and for the bedsit boggers, peat Briquettes. Tasty!!
Moving on, the Porta Via more than makes up for its complete lack of any customers with a complete and utter lack of safety regulations. Here, and only here, can you purchase TWO snack boxes for the picce of one!! It’s a bargain that only a devout vegetarian could resist. Not enough for ya? The Porta Via also has a jukebox, so you can listen to hits such as Paul Hardcastles ‘19’ as the kitchen staff try to fend off the hungry rodents. Hey, we all need to eat, people!!
Assuming your Spar bought Mars bar and PV double snack box treat haven’t extinguished that hungry fire in your belly, you are more than welcome to discover the rest of this quaint Dublin villages culinary catalogue. Jo’Burger, which offers a SIGNIFICANT DISCOUNT if your haircut is cool enough, serves up MONSTER burgers. Don’t worry folks, they don’t use real monster!!
Rathmines is fun, isn’t it?
McDonald's subtle position at the entrance to the Swan Centre (a Mega Mall, so called cos it’s supposedly marks the place where Swans were invented. WOW!!) is marked by a cleverly placed homeless guy who has mastered the art of urinating down his trouser leg to such a level that the run off forms a large glistening ‘M’. Get in there and tear through the Euro saver, but throw him a twisty fires on the way out.
You’ve belched, and what do you know? You want more grub!! Head a few doors up to Kafka! This is the place to be seen in this handsome Dublin 6 suburb. It’s one of those sit down food places though, and it’s courtesy use a knife and fork! Battling for business with ‘Kaffers’ is Burdocks, a chip shop that whilst suspiciously closes and re-opens a little too regularly for my liking, is apparently Dublin's Oldest Chipper. That can’t be a bad thing, cos I was recently a customer of Dublin's oldest Prostitute and she was great!! The Haddock is 5.50, and it’s around the same in Burdocks!
Say goodbye to your belt folks, Eddie Rockets is calling and you’d want to be a freak of the highest order not to fall for their charms. Decked out like the illegitimate child of a semi-authentic 50’s USA Diner, it's a semi authentic 50's USA Diner, right down to the burly Polish rapist-a-like who works in the kitchen, you will be munching down their famous fare with a smile so big so could easily fit another serving in. So do it!!
Bonanza!! Well, you're a lot heavier than you were when you stood at Portobello bridge, but that’s just as well cause there’s a stiff breeze beginning to blow. Better anchor yourself properly and visit RATHMINES ONLY KFC!! for some of their world famous delicacies. Vegetarians will rejoice in this quick food haven, as none of the meat on offer here as ever been near an animal! Look at the picture!! Even horses think it’s safe to stop for a chat outside this place! It’s the perfect venue to chill, linger over a semi warm Pepsi and lovingly pick the vomit off your dates collar. And when you’re finished, there’s a fist fight waiting you for just outside Rodys!!
Rodys? You’ll see... (in the pub section which follows this)