Certain things (Lush grey beards, natural Must, 80th Birthdays, and mechanical bladders) announce the arrival of old-age. Another of them is Back Pain.
This morning, at a time I previously did not believe existed (5.07am) I awoke screaming, like a little girl (in a blender). An ariel shot, as I lay on the bed, would of shown a body in twisted agony, and also rather worryingly in the shape of a swastika. Like a human tea-towel being wrung out by some huge pain beast, I was a crumpled mess. I attempted to writhe about and generally wallow in my own suffering but I couldn't. I groaned and cried until I even began annoying myself. By 5.09 I had somehow raised my contorted self and dragged my faulty body out into the sitting room. Bent over, like a creepy and naked hunchback, I caught sight of myself in a mirror. It was an image that would make a priest burn his bible.
The pain was intense, so naturally I began to attempt a number of idiotic and ill-advised things to ease my suffering. I grabbed a mop first, and proceeded to try to use this to straighten myself. I may have caused irreparable spine damage with this method, and I most certainly broke the head off the mop. I proceeded to stretch and bend myself but all I achieved was a series of smaller, slightly less painful aches on other parts of my body. Eventually, I was on all fours, back arched, like a camel, literally howling at the moon (like a Werewolf, or Werecamel if you will) and that's how I stayed. Quite pitiful really. Eventually the pain subsided and I was able to get up, weeping slightly and attempted to go back to bed. It was however, time to get up.
If anyone from work is reading this, I'd stay well away from me today..
9 comments:
I started all that lark about four years ago. I suppose I should have waited at least another twenty before joining in but it looked like so much fun that my body decided, 'To hell with convention, let's go!'
I feel (literally) for you ND.
Wow, deleted. Must have been bad. Sit ups that man, sit ups. When it happened to me I was working in a company that had a gym and a weekly sit up class. The "teacher" was HOT. One day I was the only one in the class, she helped me with my stretches in a very hands on manner (I am a sad married man, these are the thrills that remain to me). My back is fine since.
my impending old age heralded by all-too-frequent 2 day hangovers and disgustingly guilty relief when mates fook off home after dropping by for tea and cake midweek, rather than demanding that we booze and scrabble the night away.
PS
must we really have both the comment moderation and the word verification? word verification makes me cry.
PPS
get yourself some Difene. magic.
No! Not difene! It made me balloon in weight and completely threw off my sleep pattern. Vioxx, now there's a quality pain killer. Unfortunate they had to take it off the market because of all those heart attacks...
I presume I'll have to loiter about under a motorway bridge in order to avail of these remedies?
or [radical idea alert] go to the doctor...
You're being quite short with me today Rosie.. Everything alright?
dandy. i'm having a super day and i'm not taking it out on strangers at all.
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