Friday, November 30, 2007

TV3 is GAA

I'm sure the many fans of the GAA are rejoicing today with the news that TV3 (The Camden Casket of Broadcasting), have snapped up the rights to 40 important football and championship games next season. After the job they did with the Rugby World Cup (where it looked like it was broadcast from a listing boat), the notoriously no-frills GAA community will be more than satisfied to watch games that will most likely be filmed on CCTV cameras and will feature instant replays that will be painted like those old 'courtroom' images from the news. The red lemonade and hang sandwich brigade don't want flashy graphics and expert punditry. A priest with a score card and the manager of the St Honnucas under 15's will do. Echoing the GAA mantra of take your points and the goals will come, the studio will actually be 2 chairs and a table in the carpark in the hope that four walls and a roof are built around them.

But the coverage doesn't stop there. Once monthly, TV3 will broadcast 'You make me want to HURL' which will follow a group of Nun's from the west who enter a team in the national hurling championships and the many adventures they get up to along the way and 'Celebrity Sandwich Filling' which has nothing to do with the GAA whatsoever

To launch the new deal with the GEE EH EH?, members of the hit drama 'Heartbeat' and the gay guy who presents the weather on morning AM took part in a 'volleying' competition on the Naas Dual Carriageway.

For the record it was Heartbeat 17 - Weather Gay 12.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

What a load of my Cock(ney)

So, the shiny faced Cockney ex-manager pundit that is Terry Venables looks a shoo-in for the vacant Ireland soccer managers job. Here's a copy of his application letter that I scanned when I broke into the FAI last night to shit in John Delaneys drawers...

"Dear Diamond Geezers at the EFF AAA I!!!,

Top of the bleedin Days Dawning to you!!

Har Har Har.. What about that then? The Oirish. Church Bell, what can I say about the Paddies, the old Tea Caddies?? Har Har Har.. I wish to apply for the job of Manager of the Repub-a-lick of Iland. I've been the Gaffer of loads of teams like Barcelona and Tottingham Hotspurs. You little beauty!!!

I have a severe all over Peter Pan, and although some may say it's orange, I hope that won't be a fraser crane in the Kybher Pass.. Har Har Har. Me auld mucker, Randy Andy Townsend will be at me Princess Bride all the lemon and Lime and he'll be showing me all the rub-a-dub-dub's over there in Dublin and the best places to go on the old Matt Le Tiss and to get a nice Ruby Murray. I'll need a one bed flat cos I've just divorced the old trouble and strife by the way.. Har Har Har

Here, 'Av a picture of me farting into a pint of bitter at the Groucho and if you need a reference, Tommy down the Pig and Whistle will do you up one on the back of a beermat.

Don't be a Queens Park Ranger, and get back to me, me old garden gates..

Shaba Ranks,

El Tel"

Monday, November 26, 2007

Hey, Hey we're the HSE!!

I was asked to script an advert for the much maligned HSE recently, in a bit to deflect the negative attention they are getting for being a complete shower of idiots. I was asked also to cast Mary Harney as an all-in-one hero sort, and if necessary, provide her with the body of a human being. It was a tough gig but here's the finished article:

Opens in a grey, gothic turreted hospital. Shadows of roaming wolves disappear behind buildings as we enter the main reception

Doctor: 'I'm sorry, but your Husband is dead'. Cut to scene of devastated wife

Doctor: 'I'm afraid we will have to amputate'. Cut to scene of agonised patient. Revs of chainsaw fade out

Doctor: 'I'm terribly sorry, but you're blind'. Cut to scene of Patient reading newspaper. 'What?' replies Patient, looking confused..

Voiceover: "There comes a time, when even the richest countries in western Europe need more than a properly run, secure and reliable health service"..

Cuts to scene of hospital door swinging open in a shiny and elegant looking hospital

Voiceover: "sometimes, what they need is a hero"

Cuts to sexy nurses looking on in awe. A Patient in a coma wakes and sits up in amazement. The camera pans across this hero's broad chest. to a name tag. 'Mary Harney' (Played by Morgan Freeman). She grabs a clip board with supreme confidence and re-visits the same patients as above

Harney: 'Your husband isn't dead, we'll have him exhumed at once'. Cut to scene of confused wife

Harney: 'Great news Hop-a-long, there was nothing wrong with your leg. We didn't need to amputate!!'. Cut to scene of guy in a wheelchair

Harney: 'You won't be needing this' as she grabs cane from patient. 'Or this!' as she shoots guide dog in the face...

Closing shot of Harney riding a white horse out of the hospital gates

"The HSE - Not all mistakes need to be bad ones"

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Budgie's in Trouble

U2's 'Red Hill Mining Town' was an unreleased single from the Joshua Tree, and has now been included for the first time on their new DVD. Here's the Neil Jordan directed video, which looks like it was shot in the engine room of the George. The money shot is most certainly Claytons 'budgie release', which should feature at the next Gay Oscars. Mullens 'saucy' hammering cannot be overlooked either.

*I am aware that the George is unlikely to have an engine room

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Babe (babe) I'm back again

Dear Public,

In the last few months, the artist formerly known as National Disgrace, and still known as National Disgrace (except to Mama Disgrace, who she knows simply as a 'fucking disgrace') has been doing the emotional boogie. His heart has been low, as his his pants. There have been tears, but then again, there has been laughs (a bit like being savagely beaten by a clown). Old friends have come and gone, and two very little cats have been re-homed. Disgrace Manor too, has been deserted and currently lays as an empty monument to heroism. It's curtains no longer shield the luxurious goings on of a man at the peak of his powers, but instead, empty halls that are haunted by the ghosts of many of our finest.

And Aldi have noticed a sharp decline in sales of it's cheapest wines

Until now.......

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Reality Check

Life isn't all about ridiculous flathunting stories and Bertie Ahern in lingerie you know...

Flat Hunting

So, Disgrace is already regretting his decision to stick around this one horse town. I've been flat hunting you see. If you ever wanted a reason to do a 'Bertie' (kill yourself) then I urge you to join me as I take a tour of the seediest places in existence. Last night I went to see an 'apartment' that was advertised as 'stunning'. Obviously they mean stunning in the same way that being ejected out the windscreen of a moving car is stunning. 'All Mod Cons' was bandied about, but unless a dangerously wired 3 ring heater is considered the must have accessory of the noughties, then I didn't see much to get me excited. And you'd be more correct in saying that the dirt had windows attached to them than you would by saying the windows were dirty. Still, as anyone who knew me circa 1996 will know, I'm not fussy. I can handle a little bit of 'slumming' it as long as the people I'm with are worth the effort. The guy who was showing me the flat looking like a rapist Wurrzel Gummidge and I figured the term 'power shower' was as alien to him as a girlfriend. Still, he showed me around and was courteous. I enquired about Broadband and got shown a television in the corner. The tour didn't last long as the flat could be viewed in one 360 degree movement and soon I was sitting on the sofa answering personal questions about myself.

'Do you have a girlfriend' he asked. I noted at this stage that his left hand had been out of view for quite a long time. His demeanour startled me as he shuffled in a mixture of nervousness and personal ecstasy.. 'Or pets', he went on, his voice beginning to quiver a little. I left.

So, what's going on? So far this week I've seen places that look like Paedophiles lairs, Snuff movie sets, and Bela's gaff from Fair City, yet none of them, nor the beings that stalk their corridors, should be allowed exist.

Oh, and he offered the flat to someone else

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Floating with Jape

After being out for around 15 years, Floating by Jape finally get's the full release treatment, on the Jape is Grape EP.. I got my hands on a 3 track promo of this and it's top stuff again. The video is below, and nearly 300,000 plays on youtube can't be bad..

Oh, and I have the exact same hat as the one on 17 secs....