Thursday, March 6, 2008

Fire in a 'hole'


The other day I posted a note on the back of the front door in the 'apartment' block I live in. It was a simple note, directed to anyone of the 100's of people that seem to live there. It was a basic request, which if taken on board, could help continue my existence on this planet.

Those of you who regularly poke around here will have often heard me refer to my current digs as being less than palatial. I can be hard on it, and it has a unique charm, but on the whole the place should be torn down. It has been castrated of its once proud Georgian features and on a street of immense character, it stands out like a Paedophile Priest in an under-11 soccer team line-up.

Aesthetics aside, the place is also a death trap. Because of where my flat is, I have little chance of survival in a house fire but just in case, I have my escape route planned out. The Bedroom window is a no-no, as I am four old school stories above the hardest looking concrete yard I have ever seen. Exit through the Kitchen window, presuming I lose enough weight to fit, would result in the loss of several limbs whilst my living room window is essentially bricked up. The only way out is through the corridors and down to the front door. However, somewhat making matters more difficult, somebody in the building thinks it's a great idea to bolt lock the front door every night. This ensures not only will I burn to death in my boxers as I try to break down the door but also that the Fire Brigade will not be able to get in.

So, it was with that in mind that I put the note up asking kindly that the door was not bolt locked. My note was removed and replaced with the one attached...

Any suggestions for a reply?

11 comments:

Thriftcriminal said...

Possible response: "I am an armed robber"

Possible solution: Rope ladder (added advantage of pretending you actually live in a tree house and insisting visitors climb to your abode)

Fakey said...

what was it?

tell me.

don't keep me in suspenders.

National Disgrace said...

Fakey, the picture is the response.. Like, hello?

National Disgrace said...

Thrift (Superquinn budget brand of the 80's), that's a super idea.. The chicks will really dig it

Twenty Major said...

You really need to rob their arms. That'll teach them.

Rusticissimus maximus said...

You totally need to start a fire some night and laugh from the other (street)side of the door while they howl and beg you to help them.

And then all you have to say to them is, 'I'm sorry, I've deadlocked the door from the outside just to be extra sure that no one can get in...or out.'

Obviously you'll need a get away car and alibi, I can provide both and won't even charge! It's been too long since I've been at a good old fashioned burn out.

Fakey said...

How about this...

get some red paint and mark each other their doors with red paint prints.

fight the real enemy.

National Disgrace said...

I really shouldn't of picked tonight to watch 'Backdraft'.. I'm now wrapped in a fire blanket... Another thing. The ad, 'Get out, and get the Fire Brigade out'.. wtf? shouldn't you leave the fire brigade 'in' and let them get on with their work? Anyway, I'm off to make chips in a dangerously old chip pan

OneForTheRoad said...

Replace his message with a crudely drawn picture of an erect penis.

National Disgrace said...

I have the tracing paper in my hand as we speak OFTR

JD said...

Just say:

"Sorry about that. However, I felt that those items were fire hazards. Will let the teddy bear go if you unlock the door."

Either that or buy an axe.