Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I'll be your Dog


Despite recently being a friend of all things feline, Disgrace will always have a soft spot for Dogs. From his very first four legged companion (Bran) to his sadly missed, mildly retarded ‘Buddy’, it’s been a love-affair of epic proportions

Pepsi (I) was dark dog. He had worms and went to live on a farm. It was 1981. We had to eat you know.

Pepsi (II), a Jack Russell, as working class as a dog could be, he had a huge hole in his ear from where he was attacked by another dog (or possibly from a rebellious ear piercing) and arrived into the family home on a foggy night in the early 80’s. As with the majority of our dogs, he was in need of rescue. A drifter who’d drifted far enough and wanted to settle down. Pepsi’s tale is a hazy one, as he is not around to tell it, and I was merely a little boy during his heyday. However you can be sure he got into all sorts of japes, but did so with a roguish charm. When we moved house in the glorious summer of 1985, Pepsi, who must of forgot something, travelled back to the old street and was never seen again. I like to think that he’s still out there now, maybe even reading this. But I reckon It’s extraordinarily unlikely. If he was alive, he would be 28 (the same age as Jessica Simpson, the American ..erm, singer?)

Nelson. Arriving in 1989, the same year the wall fell. Nelson was a beast of a being. Part Sheepdog, part Double Decker bus, he was the most unique dog I’d ever encountered. Apart from demonstrating signs of high intelligence (standing up and urinating into the toilet, closing doors behind him – seriously) he also famously recalled a time when a junior Fake Empire had slept over and had hit him with a shoe (it’s the kind of stuff the Fakester does). Nelson, weeks later, returned the favour by head-butting Fakey, and sending him off with a bloody nose and a trip to Vincents. My best friend as a developing teenager, Nelson also liked to wear human clothes from time to time (again, serious) and famously stalked Firhouse on the day of ‘that’ penalty shoot out in Italia 90, dressed in full Irish kit. Alas, it was his good nature and willingness for fun which ultimately led to his starring role in Disgraceablanca coming to an end. The Neighbours (pricks, all of them) had petitioned to have Nelson put down thanks to him attempting to ‘hug’ a toddler on the road, and accidentally knocking him over. The kid was fine. This time, after a hugely emotional goodbye, Nelson REALLY DID go to a farm. Where I believe he was to be very happy.

Nelson was replaced by Buddy. Buddy, was a neglected dog who’d been found in finglas, with his two front legs broken. Fortunately for him, he was found and rushed to dogstipal and quickly operated on. Unfortunately for him, they allowed his front legs to set backwards (again, seriously) and he for ever more would resemble a Queen Ann chair. Anyway, my mother eventually ended up with him through a friend and so begins Buddy's story. You wouldn’t call him ‘ugly’, but he wasn’t going to win the Rose of Tralee anytime soon. Along with his legs (the kids on the road genuinely thought he was called ‘Woody’ cos he had wooden legs), his hair was wirey and way too loose, and pretty much resembled the sort of undergrowth you’d expect to find a corpse in. He also had a ZZ Top style beard.. Buddy's many adventures included ‘falling out a 2nd floor window’ and ‘being dropped into a tin of paint’ but overall, he was a great dog. He had a long, bow legged life and eventually succumbed to cancer at the ripe old age of 17. In not my finest hour, I rather haphazardly dug a grave for him in the back garden, which pretty much resulted in a re-enactment of the closing scene from Carrie, expect it was a tail.

So that was me and dogs. At least until yesterday. I was in my sisters car in Rathgar when a hyperactive and obviously lost dog ran out in front of us. I immediately jumped out, in full hero mode and intended to get said dog, take home, and call DSPCA/owner. It was however, a poorly executed rescue attempt, as I only succeeded in chasing him towards the busy main road. I scoured the streets later looking for him, but no joy. The guilt I feel today is pretty immense.

If anyone saw a big white-ish dog with a blue collar in Rathgar/Rathmines yesterday, let me know.. Unless he was stuck to the wheel of a truck, don’t bother if that’s the case

19 comments:

Thriftcriminal said...

Buckets of respect on the hound front man. Good job. I shall look at Fakey with deep suspicion henceforth.

National Disgrace said...

Yep, you should. He terrorised that Dog...

ciara said...

1-buddy was not retarded..he was just special..
2- the only hyperactive mutt was you screaming at me whilst i was driving in rathfarnam to mind the dog who was at that time crossing the road IN RATHGAR..

National Disgrace said...

Listen 'Ciara' (if that's your real name), you essentially pushed me from the car, obviously fearing a splattered dog and you sped away like a getaway Taoiseach from a Tribunal. The Dog looked at your car, disapearing over the horizon and gently woofed 'why didn't you stay for me?'...

Rosie said...

you can have my dog.

in fact, i insist.

National Disgrace said...

What gimmick does your Dog have Rosie? I'm pretty much only looking for one that says "Sausages" and/or looks like Scarlett Johansson

Fakey said...

Nelson the dog.

Nelson the flea-infested-cunt more like.

Buddy wasn't retarded.

He just had you as his master.

(Oh yes he did!)

Fakey said...

Thrifty: I actually didn't terrorize that dog.

It was a battle for Disgrace's affection and I was losing.

Alls fair etc etc

National Disgrace said...

Fakey - "flea-infested-cunt"

Didn't you once edit a sunday supplement?

Rosie said...

miaow, ladies!

Lila's USP is that my ma keeps threatening to have her put down, Disgrace (none of these "farm" euphamisms in our house).

also, she gives high-fives and can eat an entire pound of butter without puking.

National Disgrace said...

I dunno Rosie, Fakey can do those things.. What would I do with two high-fiving butter munchers?

Ps: I just re-read your shocking post about poor Lila.. Do you want me to take her off your hands?

Rosie said...

pit them against one another in a fight to the death. obv.

as for Lila, depends on how much patience, time, love and affection you have.

Thriftcriminal said...

@Rosie: Without Puking, christ. We had a jack-russle called Bumble that ate a pound of butter off the table just before a dinner party. Man she was sick, karma was working overtime on that hound.

OFTR said...

Headbutted by a dog!

A mate of mine was talking to me a few years ago about his old dog Toby.

Toby was a mad cunt, he was run over about 5 times and used to just bounce back. Anyway, he was going on about Toby and said "...yeah, and then me feckin folks sent him off to some farm to become a sheepdog."

He was about 28 at the time and I had to break it to him that poor old Toby wasn't really sent to a farm....

Rosie said...

why would you do that, OneFor? why?

National Disgrace said...

Nelson really did go to a farm. A few months later I got a postcard from him, with a picture of a sheep on the front and a simple pawprint on it.. although why it was seemingly written in blood I'll never know. And how much his pawprint looked like my Dads handwriting did make me suspicious.

Rosie said...

so have yourself and Fakey run off into the sunset together, or what? you've both been awful quiet.

it's not like i miss you - it's just that i'm studying, and bored.

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