Last part of my illegal guide to the Picnic..
So it's the morning of day three. Right now you're likely to be enjoying one of the following predicaments. Laid out naked in the St Johns Ambulance area with drips attached to you and doctors screaming, or in Bjorks changing room watching her juggle pigeons with one foot in a teapot, or dead. There is also a chance that you're being held captive in a skobies tent somewhere on the campsite. This is where the Battered sausage I told you to pack will come in handy. Offer this to the skob and make good your escape while he salivates all over it, but remember to burn the tent on your way. Unless you're dead, and we shouldn't rule it out, you're now well on your way to enjoying another great day of music.
As it's Sunday, we'll start with a little prayer. Start with 'Dear sweet baby Jesus' and take it from there. Now you'll be requiring a trip to the Waltzers as it's a great way to see what you food you spent your money on yesterday.
2pm Main Stage
Pretty cool dude, but he's likely to pretty isolated on the big stage. I wouldn't expect to be up dancing to this but that's cool as you forgot how to stand on Saturday afternoon anyway. Key songs 'Original Stuntmaster' and 'Cold Water Music'
So it's now 2.45 and there's pretty slim pickings around. You could quite feasibly kill yourself now, but we'll probably save that for later. You could also go see Bell X1, but you'd be at the wrong festival if you did so we'll contend ourselves with 6 beers for now. You will notice that the Picnic is beginning to look like the outtakes from 28 days later, but don't knock it. Most of the food available has been there for 3 days by now and you'd be codding yourself if you thought that Kebabarama didn't use human body parts in their burgers anyway. Gorge on the weak and get your arse to Dave Couse in the Foggy Notions tent
3.30 Foggy Tent
It can go either way with the ex A House man, and it usually does. Pulling from a huge back catalogue one thing is for sure, it'll be a lot of fun and full of songs you know. Key tracks 'Endless Art' and 'Will it ever stop raining'.
If the Dance tent hasn't been confiscated by the Guards at this stage, you should get over there and throw some shapes. You should also be ready to throw some punches too because most of the people there are on their 27th pill of the weekend and things will have gone a little crazy. If you're so inclined, you could grab a quick feel of some young one and tell your mates later that you scored, it should be handy enough. Ok, leave the Celtic jerseys behind now and head into the home straight
5PM - Crawdaddy Tent
The Beasties are back and they'll be playing stuff from their pretty good instrumental album. Obviously you'll be pretty bored of this before long so you can nip over to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah at the Electric Arena. When you arrive in, make a big deal of actually clapping your hands and shouting 'YEAHHH!!' on the top of your voice. They love when people do that and you'll probably get sex out of it. Key Songs ' Satan said Dance' and ' Skin of my yellow etc'...
Couple of quick diversions now. Nip into Dan le Sac for his hit and get the hell out of there before he plays anything else. Unkle is on in some tent somewhere, so I'd groove along to him for a bit but you cannot justifiably be in the same county as Sonic Youth with actually going to see them. So go see them, as they're in the same county.
Blindness may well have set in to your good eye by now, but they say it increases your other senses so you should be able to hear the music perfectly now. So thank your lucky stars that Mika isn't playing. Rub a kebab over your face now, or better still, try and get it into your mouth and you're set for the final few hours.
8.45 Main Stage
Iggy and The Stooges
This will be Jammers, and with good reason. Looking like one of those preserved corpses over at St Michams, Mr Pop should be the highlight of the weekend. Key Track 'I wanna be your dog'.
You're gonna need a priest now, as I'm afraid the law of averages suggest one of your posse will have fallen victim to Consumption. Once the last rites have been administered and you've wolfed back 4 beers in memory, it's over to the Electric Arena.
9.30 Electric Arena
The Go! Team
It's the festival of love, so now's the chance to wrap some strangers crotch around your head and bounce them on your shoulders. Make sure they're the right way around though. Be liberal with your hugs, as they're a great chance to get in a sneaky grope or to pickpocket. Oh, I would avoid hugging the priest in the corner though, as I would with ANYONE who has their trousers around their ankles like he does. All of the Go! Teams songs are worth noting, so go wild.
So, we're nearly there. You've made it this far and that's something to be very proud of. Sure there's been the deaths, the rapes and Bjork but it's been all good. You might never walk again, but walking sucks anyway. There's only one hurdle left now and soon you'll be tucked up cosily in the back of an ambulance.
10.30 Primal Scream
The Screamers close the show and what a way to go out. These guys have more sides to them than a gang of schizophrenic triplets and will bounce from Country to Electro to Dance with the beat of a drum. They'll play 'Rocks' cos that's all most of you fools know but listen out for swastika eyes' too..
When the feedback all but disappears, and the lights come on, it'll be over. You'll see that the people you've been with all weekend aren't actually your friends and you'll now feel very alone. Don't bother looking for your shoes, they're long gone. So you trudge slowly over wet sand..."Morrissey, get away from my Computer'... Anyway, you'll make your way, heart heavy to the campsite. The familiar feeling of chaos has deserted you and the beats a million miles away, you'll wish it was all about to start again.. And that's the sign of a good festival. Not the scars, not being all cool in work the next day cos you're on crutches, but the fact that you'd do it all again...
And then you realise your tent is on fire.....