Monday, June 9, 2008

Broken Ideas (2)

More from the vaults, which probably should of stayed in the vaults...

Sometime 2007 "TV3 Post 'out-takes'

15:00 - You little....Rascal!! - Kids entertainment courtesy of Rascal, a cute half Pigeon, half hoofed-beast who is always getting himself into trouble. Today, he is arrested for his involvement in the Birmingham bombings

21:00 - Wakey Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus returns to our screens as an innocent man (PROVEN BY THE COURT OF LAW) to host our new Breakfast show. Today Billy travels to Manorhamilton where he meets Linda Martin, a Molly Malone lookalike and a Priest with a terrifying secret

12:00 - Bracken Lane - New soap set in the working class streets of inner city Dublin. In tonight's episode, a gas explosion kills everyone on Bracken Lane.

19:30 - Hammered - The Northern comedy is back. Joxer is suspended from school after spraying the canteen with bullets whilst Alan immediately regrets getting his lips stuck in on a grenade pin. Meanwhile, 'across the road', Eric's day goes from bad to worse when the tank he's driving in is involved in a collision with the Zoo.

22:00 - The Valley - Rural Greenlandian soap. Tonight, Mort treats Sééépunt to fishcakes and Júúli disagrees with someone on the phone. Meanwhile, Hoopéén finds a pencil in his pocket"

Summer 2007

Sometimes it takes an outsider to make things better. Like Jack Charlton or Hitler.”

April 2007


Where do you start?


Sometime 2007

The Funeral

Death sometimes has a habit of sneaking up on you. You hear it all the time.. 'He died suddenly' and 'one minute he was alive, the next he was dead'.

The topic of conversation in McGuire’s Pub was much along the same lines. Over the music, the laughing, and the clash of empty beer glasses, two old men sat remembering an old friend.

'Of course, he loved his Mother' remarked one of them, as he rested his walking stick against the wall.

“She was a fine woman” his friend replied ”Once saw her carry a sick horse on her back, up and down McGonongle’s Hill. It was a Christmas morning I believe”

The other man nodded and remarked that the he 'knew' the horse in question and that it went on to live to be 74 years of age.

“I suppose I'll have to pour my own?” said the other one, winking across the bar. “ Will you take another one in there Jack?”

Jack looked at his watch, it had stopped working in 1968 “ Sure, go on Matty, actually get me two”

Matty returned to the table slowly. Very, very slowly. Jack didn't notice the delay as he had broken into song and was mid verse when Matty had returned with the pints. The table in front of them was now overflowing with empty and half empty glasses. Matty squeezed the five pints in and sat down. The afternoon sun had begun to peep through the blinds, and behind the warm hazy glow of dancing dust, Jack was bellowing out something about rebels and fairies. Matty decided to join in and add his vocals to the song. As the two old men sang two completely different songs the band began to play again. There was whoops and shouts and elbows flying as a full scale hooley developed. Jack finally stopped singing when a fist fight developed close to him and knocked one of his pints over. The brawl had now extended to a whole corner of the pub and tables and stools were being used as bargaining tools.

“If he was alive now he'd put a stop to that” Matty muttered, between verses

“Be the love of god, he'd be over the bar with the shotgun” Jack replied

“Do you remember the that coloured lad that walked in of the street?” Jack enquired

“I do” Matty replied “ Paddy was across the bar quicker than one of Holohan’s foxes”

“Sure, he never once shot that gun in anger. He'd have it for scaring the darkies and the like, but they say he didn't have a bad bone in his body”

A chair flew across Paddy's head, narrowly missing him Soon, the row had died down, with only the hardcore few still slugging it out on the street outside. Matty, with no hint of romance whatsoever, had by now embraced Jack and they were breaking into a chorus of 'Ooh Ahh Paul McGrath', in honour of the time Paddy chased the ex Ireland international towards Higgins with his shotgun. It had become impossible to count the amount of glasses on their table as it had collapsed when one of the drunken brawlers fell on it. He was very apologetic to Matty and Jack, in a sincere and bloodied way, but paid dearly for his concern when the delay to apologise resulted in him being knocked unconscious by Rory Hanlon and his Mother Bridie.

Jack and Bridie courted back before decimalisation and he'd learned first-hand that she was quite the woman. Rory was her 15th and was working on the farm. He'd always look out for Jack, as his mother still had a soft spot for him (just beneath her moustache) and used to drop down a head of cabbage to him every Christmas. Bridie had however hooked up with one of the Walshe brothers (or 2 if local rumours are to be believed) and they'd married when Jack was up in Dublin for the day. Jack never married, and barely even looked at a woman since.

Matty broke his embrace from Jack and sat up. Two minutes later, when he was eventually fully standing up he removed a roll up cigarette from his pocket and went to walk outside. Jack decided to have a short nap whilst his friend was gone and settled down on the bar. It was nearly dark by the time Matty had arrived outside, and the only trace of the earlier row was a burnt out car and members of the emergency response unit. Enda MacGillicuddy came racing up the road on 'Wobbler' (his horse) and nodded to Matty.

“The Under-12's were beaten I see” he shouted as he sped past

Matty nodded back at him.

“But sure they were playing up a pitch with a bad hill on it” Enda added “ in both directions”

Matty shouted back but it was difficult to hear as the sirens from the Garda car chasing the horse were too loud so he went back into the pub. Jack had woken from his sleep by the start of the Karaoke and was sitting beside the bar, tapping his feet.

"How's young Paudi?" Jack asked

“Sure he's grand. After buying one of them apartments up in Dublin” Matty replied

“Still into the young fellas??” …..


April 2008

Imagine being trapped under a bed whilst two trumpets have sex.

The noise..

Christ my head hurts this morning


Thriftcriminal said...

Hey new banner. Likey.

National Disgrace said...

Yeah, I briefed Westy (my in house designer) to go for woody allen directing fair city. That's Leo and Mondo sitting on the bench after looking for going for freshly baked heroin..

Thriftcriminal said...