Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Westy and the woman

m_serves-3-4-traditional-haggis

I’d met her the day I moved in. She slid in from the shadows like a competent roller skating rapist. No noise, just a slight change in temperature heralded her arrival and there she was, as if she’d always been there. It was if I’d zoomed in with a camera. It was almost like the entire room moved towards her.

The first thing I noticed was her hair. She looked a little like a drag queen Aonghus MacAnally. The roots, long confused as to it’s natural colour decided they would try a little of everything. Her eyes looked triple glazed and she seemed to have a little more grass growing out of her than the average human being. The strap had slipped off her shoulder, not in a provocative manner, but in a horror filled act of seduction that warned me if I was not careful, the other one would be next.

Westy was busy stacking all my belongings lovingly against the wall. He seemed startled by her sudden existence and emitted his usual clichéd Scottish “Ach Eye!!”

“Those walls have been freshly painted” she delivered in a coldness that would make a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder shiver. The room turned and she was now on the other side of me inspecting the paintwork. Without words she ordered a humbled Westy to moved the offending boxes a good 2 inches from the wall.

“ I notice you are parked in my space” she continued. Dogs 5 miles away started to bark, “you have five minutes”

I held my hand out, and introduced myself. She didn’t blink. She just sorted of hummed, like a fridge.

Westy emitted a gentle cough, nothing serious, probably just a wee bit of haggis caught in his throat. It was barely a noise. It sounded a bit like a leaf.

“This building” She said, “This building is MOSTLY owner occupied! We expect people to be quiet”. Her eyes gazed towards Westy and he retreated slightly, towards Edinburgh.

“I’m the rep for the management committee” she rasped, “And anyone causing trouble is dealt with severely!”.

Westy nearly spat out his deep fried Mars Bar.

And then she was gone. All she left behind was the feeling that we’d been stripped naked by some silent force and made wear each others clothes. That and an almost visible odour of whiskey.

“A bonny lass that” Westy said “ pure fukin hardcore hefty mingers wehey ya mink get tae china ye stink ae pishh pally ya mad auld cheese baw rocket get it up yee”

“Westy” I said “ How many Irn-Bru have you had?”

5 comments:

Johnny said...

a roller skating rapist??? hahaha -feels on wheels

Grow Up said...

Ahhhhh, Irn-Bru. Mmmmm artificially.

Westy said...

This post is not only racist, but deeply offensive to those of us afflicted with the Scottish dialect.

Having said that, I do come with optional English subtitles for the hearing impaired...

National Disgrace said...

I prefer it when I can't understand you Westy

The Other Side Of The Coin said...

Hey Westy I'd have said your English was getting much better.