Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Cookin Hell

In the latest in a series of 'why girls should stay away from Disgrace', our hero describes his latest culinary catastrophe.

It was day three of Disgraces famous Chili. Total ingredient cost, 9 euro. Total toilet roll cost 17 euro. Made on Sunday with an eye on lasting until midweek, this cauldron of spicy mayhem, bubbled away like an evil cesspit of horror. Whole chillis, slit open to release extra flavour, leapt from the pot, screaming for mercy. Paint retreated from the wall in alarming fashion and members of the fire brigade kept an all night vigil outside Disgrace towers. It was the first time Disgrace had heard long grain Rice cry. His 'curry' plate, a legacy from Mama Disgrace, refused to emerge from the press, like a teenage boy dressed like Robin Hood at a Priests frat party. The pot, levitated from the cooker like a scene from 'cooking with Satan'. Disgrace, in a full Space suit, stirred the red-hot incarnation and saw his life flash before his eyes.

It wasn't looking good.

After contemplating putting the pot in the freezer for an hour or two before eating, and visiting the VHI site to sign up for full cover, he eventually settled down in front of his dinner. It was like gawking into the arse of evil. It spat and splattered. Flames, 30 ft high, burst towards the ceiling. Volcano experts started taking photographs and attempted to evacuate Rathgar.

It wasn't looking good.

As always, Disgrace was prepared. Apart from a fridge full of Kittensoft, he had run a bath and filled it with liquid nitrogen. A garden hose, connected to the Artic, lay on standby. Aled Jones, was drafted in to sing the 'Snowman' and the dry ice machine, usually reserved for spectacular sex entrances, was put on full blast. A north facing gable wall was also removed

It still motherfucking wasn't looking good.

However, it takes more than a lethal dose of Chili to keep disgrace down. Remember this is a guy who survived St MacDaras community College AND Dundalk RTC. This was a guy who tripped as a child and fell unconscious into setting cement. This was a guy who has hung out with Fakey since he was 7. However, in hindsight, he should not of ate that full chili.

Which he did.

Which might explain the red sky over Rathmines.

And the government emergency announcement on Radio One proclaiming 'Unearthly Screams heard from Rathgar - Flick to page 6 of the emergency action handbook (Nuclear accident/Godzilla Invasion)

Help me.


Thriftcriminal said...

Guatemalan insanity peppers? Did a fox speak to you with the voice of Johnny Cash?

National Disgrace said...

It's been a long time since Disgrace Towers has seen a 'fox', but there was plenty of Johnny Cash.. Namely 'Ring of Fire'...

Get in!!

Rosie said...

i made beef and stella artois stew last night, and three out of three flatmates pronounced it "absolutely fucking stupendous".

chilli's for girls.

Fakey said...

feeling your pain. You'll be 'standing' at the bar tonight I presume.

ger said...

You should definitely recreate the whole experience for TV3's breakfast show cookery spot as soon as possible.

Then, just as that sports guy is trying to talk over you at the end, with the director making frantic 'throat-cutting' gestures off-camera, you should unleash the full fury of your current gastro-intestinal abnoxiousness.

As the credits prematurely roll, the good people of Ireland would talk for years of the man who reminded us all what the station really stands for.

...Well that or you could try some Andrews, its up to you.

"May Gawd have mercy on Ar-soles"...

Thriftcriminal said...

Err, I'm hoping you meant "Get it" rather than "Get in" immediately after referring to a ring of fire.

Had an indian meal last night, I can empathise.

National Disgrace said...

@ rosie: Ah, the old 'Wifebeater' stew eh? Allegedly the 'Scissor' Sisters favorite dish

@ fakey: I ALWAYS stand in Slats, it makes me feel cooler.. and taller.

@ ger: The Cookery section on Ireland AM is hilarious.. sample dialogue 'Trevor, you've ate all the ingredients again, before I'd even fucking cooked them. We'd better wheel Sonny Knowles out again'. It doesn't need my help

@ Thrifty: I hope you meant 'Had an Indian'.. etc, etc...

Govstooge said...

Excellent stuff. I for one cannot eat a single meal without putting some habanero on it. I've stopped short of cornflakes however.

Food just isn't food until your lips and arsehole are tingling with pain, I find.