Monday, November 26, 2007

Hey, Hey we're the HSE!!

I was asked to script an advert for the much maligned HSE recently, in a bit to deflect the negative attention they are getting for being a complete shower of idiots. I was asked also to cast Mary Harney as an all-in-one hero sort, and if necessary, provide her with the body of a human being. It was a tough gig but here's the finished article:

Opens in a grey, gothic turreted hospital. Shadows of roaming wolves disappear behind buildings as we enter the main reception

Doctor: 'I'm sorry, but your Husband is dead'. Cut to scene of devastated wife

Doctor: 'I'm afraid we will have to amputate'. Cut to scene of agonised patient. Revs of chainsaw fade out

Doctor: 'I'm terribly sorry, but you're blind'. Cut to scene of Patient reading newspaper. 'What?' replies Patient, looking confused..

Voiceover: "There comes a time, when even the richest countries in western Europe need more than a properly run, secure and reliable health service"..

Cuts to scene of hospital door swinging open in a shiny and elegant looking hospital

Voiceover: "sometimes, what they need is a hero"

Cuts to sexy nurses looking on in awe. A Patient in a coma wakes and sits up in amazement. The camera pans across this hero's broad chest. to a name tag. 'Mary Harney' (Played by Morgan Freeman). She grabs a clip board with supreme confidence and re-visits the same patients as above

Harney: 'Your husband isn't dead, we'll have him exhumed at once'. Cut to scene of confused wife

Harney: 'Great news Hop-a-long, there was nothing wrong with your leg. We didn't need to amputate!!'. Cut to scene of guy in a wheelchair

Harney: 'You won't be needing this' as she grabs cane from patient. 'Or this!' as she shoots guide dog in the face...

Closing shot of Harney riding a white horse out of the hospital gates

"The HSE - Not all mistakes need to be bad ones"


jd said...

Cannes 2008. Gold.

National Disgrace said...

I'm already ironing my suit

Rusticissimus maximus said...

'...shoots guide dog in the face'

Ah that's got to be retold to subsequent generations! Love the tag as well, 'lesbians'

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