Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Oh, Áras

Who is Batman’s favourite singer? Why it’s Dana Dana Dana Dana of course. 

Why is she in the news Disgrace?

Well, Dana, the bright-eyed, cute as a button songstress who once won the hearts of all of Europe, is thinking of running for the Áras. Despite having a voice that would melt something really difficult to melt, like concrete, and a gentle, motherly demeanour, Dana also has some hardened moral views on literally, all kinds of everything. She is a rural conservative. She is a died-in-the womb, sorry, wool, Right-winger. Amongst her Righty agenda is her passionate anti-abortion stance, a vocal denouncement of divorce, condemnation of the evils of contraception and many, many appearances on the All-Ireland talent show.

I liked the All-Ireland talent show. That Daithi fella is a ride... but anyway, what’s her agenda?

Her campaign will rightly be based on her strong moral views, but she will also point to her inspiring promotion of culture too. She once launched a pro-life art competition, in which every entry probably had paintings of babies in a bin with a floating, mournful ‘Why?’ above them, and as a judge on the All-Ireland talent show she introduced the nation that a host of marching bands and non-threatening musical acts. According to this site ‘she is a devout Catholic who has used her great talents as a musician to praise the Lord and teach the faith’. She would probably not refer to Daithi as a ride though, more likely say that he’d make a great priest.

Will she be our new toothless, ceremonial-only, overlord?

Well, unlike possibly more famous right-wingers, she actually did conquer Europe once. Her song, ‘All Kinds of everything’ ('Alles Und Noch Viel Mehr' in German) was a worldwide sensation, and her place is history was confirmed. Also, in 2007 she grabbed 15% of the vote, so rule nothing out. David Norris' ill-fated campaign and subsequent withdrawal means we now face a centre-right president at best, or an extremist one at worst. It’s enough to make Daithi O-Se weep into his hake

How do I feel about it?

I tell you now, if she wins, I will smear myself in strawberry conserve (to symbolise the blood of the unborn), tie myself to the O’Connell monument (to symbolise the tight restraints of freedom) and sail naked on a raft down the Liffey to take my chances elsewhere (to symbolise sailing naked down the Liffey)

I like Jam, so wholesome and traditional.

Unfortunately, so do an awful lot of people in this country


Thriftcriminal said...

I made my own jam. I'm inclined to join you if that vacuous preachy twat gets anywhere near the presidency. I was so hoping for someone at least vaguely anti-establishment, but instead the best case is an inane yes-man who, let's face it, is mainly in it for the dosh.

DXF File said...

We hope she won't come!