Mistletoe and Whine

Now, I'm pretty sure Pat Ingoldsby is not a WMD waving megalomaniac who requires look-a-likes parading around Dublin just in case an elite division of the US rangers decides to launch a Scud shot at him from Supermacs, but the fact still remains: I saw him at two places at once today. It was early, I was sober and the only Damp Coke I'd taken was from a 500ml contour bottle, so I can only surmise that I had travelled through space and time, again.


A number of years ago, I was sitting on the 49 and passed by a bus stop with a couple of very noticeable people waiting at it. After continuing on this journey, for a number of minutes, I looked out the window again and saw that we were passing by the same spot as I had done moments earlier, with the same people. None of my friends believed me, but then again, they also didn't when I told them that Papa Disgrace directed E.T and that the cameras were in our Barna Shed.


Seeing the two Pats today, and by the way, he wasn't just wandering around, he was sitting down selling his books on Westmoreland Street and on Grafton Street, made me wish I really did have a time machine. If I did, I would use it, not to go back and fix things, but to fly as far away from this year as possible. 2017 looks good from here.


I suppose, so many things have gone wrong for me this year, that I am literally starting the next with a completely blank slate. I have no more girlfriend to lose. No more cats to lose custody of. No more money to piss against an ATM. In fact, what I do have right now, would be well worth losing. A 'murder hotel' chic 1 bed apartment in a house that looks like a before picture from a fire safety ad and a job where I'm literally obliged to leave my brain and personality at the front door and a debt that would have Bono and Geldof marching the streets for. I have Pasta though.

And here I am at Christmas. Tired, emotional and very sick of drink. It's an immovable object, that everyone must face. A time for spending. It's an imaginary hurdle that everyone bookmarks. They get the new sofa in 'for the Christmas'. They give the walls a 'lick of paint'. But it's also a very physical thing. It's there. The world stops spinning for one day, but everyone is preparing their festive bunkers for weeks in advance. And then they bed down, lock the hatch and pull a cracker.


Being on the other side can be pretty cold


Many a loyal reader has journeyed with me through 2007, and I'd like to thank them for being there.


Don't forget to turn off the lights


Disgrace

TV3 Christmas Schedule

TV3 Christmas

In the spectacular surroundings of the future site of the Poolbeg incinerator, TV3 launched their Christmas Schedule last night to much fanfare. Invited guests were dazzled by the charms of Toni, the 72 year old exotic dancer and Matt Cooper's extraordinary juggling.

Christmas Day:

6am - SantaMental - A festive tale with a twist as Santa Claus is accused of mass murder in 1930s Wisconsin. Viewers please note that some Children may find the scenes of ‘Santa in the Electric Chair’ and ‘Santa’s autopsy’ disturbing, particularly as we are showing this at 6am on Christmas morning, just as every child in the country is waking.

9am - Black Mass - Celebrating Christmas from St Ivor’s in Clonmel. Presented by Mary Black.

10am - Johnny Snowman, PI - Special Holiday episode of the award winning Cop show from Liberia. In today’s episode Johnny Snowman decides to celebrate Christmas by switching on a radiator.

11am - Xpose Christmas Special - Another chance to catch TV's sexiest bunch of transvestites as entertainment news and gossip from all around the globe is beamed via your television set, into your living room. We catch up with Brendan Bowyer before AND after his colon operation and we meet the Fair City actor who but behind a series of rape allegations, and a serious drink driving incident, to become on the nations favourite actors.

12pm - British Soap Opera - More drama from the mainland as we catch up with the comings and goings of a typical UK rural village. In today's episode a buck toothed Irish gombeen causes havoc when he releases wild pigs into the local comprehensive

1pm- News from the Back of a Bike - Bibi Baskin presents all today’s
headlines from the back of a bike on the Naas Dual carriageway.


2pm - The Big fucking huge massive Christmas Movie - Prazgo Et Wzicky - Dark and broody tale from Lithuania about the 1917 coal shortage. Andre Kiniswizcech stars as a boy in love with his own brother who must face up to the stark realities of life in the mines, and adulthood, when his brother is killed by a train. (1945 - Black and White )

4pm - Queens Speech - Ant and Dec present the eagerly awaited monarchs Christmas message.

6pm - The Colin Farrell Sex tape - Hi-octane sexual performance from the 'faddeler' and some whore. Sponsored by Woodies DIY

8pm - The explosion of Mary Albert's - Taught and emotional tear jerking heartbreaker starring Victoria Principal as an emotional and tearful broken-hearted woman who has just had her heart broken by an unemotional man. Her only friend, the bottle, comes to the rescue, but in a tear jerking and heartfelt finale, which is full of emotion, she finally meets a man (Hulk Hogan) who she feels can mend her broken heart TVM 1982

10pm - Gary Glitter (Live in Concert) - Rock legend Gary Glitters spectacular performance from London, 1985. Features all the hits. Support from the Welsh Junior boys choir

12pm - Sing me a sad song - Harrowing insight into the Welsh Junior Boys Choir scandal from London in 1985 when they were assaulted by an unnamed Rock Star, after a concert in London

1am - Power Cut

An aging rock star is not just for Christmas

Consider National Disgraces considerable, yet evenly proportioned, weight behind this rather fine campaign to make Tom Waits Christmas Number 1

Anything that keeps Josh Adams 'You punctured my heart' or whatever evil shit is out at the moment, off top spot, is good enough for me.

Kermit does David Byrne

Guys, I had most of my fingers broken by an 'angry' husband recently, so typing is difficult. We'll stick to videos for the next while... here's one of my feel good faves.

The Quiet Man

A few people have remarked that my blog is very quiet of late.

They're right, it fucking is.

TV3 is GAA

I'm sure the many fans of the GAA are rejoicing today with the news that TV3 (The Camden Casket of Broadcasting), have snapped up the rights to 40 important football and championship games next season. After the job they did with the Rugby World Cup (where it looked like it was broadcast from a listing boat), the notoriously no-frills GAA community will be more than satisfied to watch games that will most likely be filmed on CCTV cameras and will feature instant replays that will be painted like those old 'courtroom' images from the news. The red lemonade and hang sandwich brigade don't want flashy graphics and expert punditry. A priest with a score card and the manager of the St Honnucas under 15's will do. Echoing the GAA mantra of take your points and the goals will come, the studio will actually be 2 chairs and a table in the carpark in the hope that four walls and a roof are built around them.

But the coverage doesn't stop there. Once monthly, TV3 will broadcast 'You make me want to HURL' which will follow a group of Nun's from the west who enter a team in the national hurling championships and the many adventures they get up to along the way and 'Celebrity Sandwich Filling' which has nothing to do with the GAA whatsoever

To launch the new deal with the GEE EH EH?, members of the hit drama 'Heartbeat' and the gay guy who presents the weather on morning AM took part in a 'volleying' competition on the Naas Dual Carriageway.

For the record it was Heartbeat 17 - Weather Gay 12.

Disgrace!!

What a load of my Cock(ney)

So, the shiny faced Cockney ex-manager pundit that is Terry Venables looks a shoo-in for the vacant Ireland soccer managers job. Here's a copy of his application letter that I scanned when I broke into the FAI last night to shit in John Delaneys drawers...


"Dear Diamond Geezers at the EFF AAA I!!!,

Top of the bleedin Days Dawning to you!!

Har Har Har.. What about that then? The Oirish. Church Bell, what can I say about the Paddies, the old Tea Caddies?? Har Har Har.. I wish to apply for the job of Manager of the Repub-a-lick of Iland. I've been the Gaffer of loads of teams like Barcelona and Tottingham Hotspurs. You little beauty!!!

I have a severe all over Peter Pan, and although some may say it's orange, I hope that won't be a fraser crane in the Kybher Pass.. Har Har Har. Me auld mucker, Randy Andy Townsend will be at me Princess Bride all the lemon and Lime and he'll be showing me all the rub-a-dub-dub's over there in Dublin and the best places to go on the old Matt Le Tiss and to get a nice Ruby Murray. I'll need a one bed flat cos I've just divorced the old trouble and strife by the way.. Har Har Har

Here, 'Av a picture of me farting into a pint of bitter at the Groucho and if you need a reference, Tommy down the Pig and Whistle will do you up one on the back of a beermat.

Don't be a Queens Park Ranger, and get back to me, me old garden gates..

Shaba Ranks,

El Tel"

Hey, Hey we're the HSE!!

I was asked to script an advert for the much maligned HSE recently, in a bit to deflect the negative attention they are getting for being a complete shower of idiots. I was asked also to cast Mary Harney as an all-in-one hero sort, and if necessary, provide her with the body of a human being. It was a tough gig but here's the finished article:

Opens in a grey, gothic turreted hospital. Shadows of roaming wolves disappear behind buildings as we enter the main reception

Doctor: 'I'm sorry, but your Husband is dead'. Cut to scene of devastated wife

Doctor: 'I'm afraid we will have to amputate'. Cut to scene of agonised patient. Revs of chainsaw fade out

Doctor: 'I'm terribly sorry, but you're blind'. Cut to scene of Patient reading newspaper. 'What?' replies Patient, looking confused..

Voiceover: "There comes a time, when even the richest countries in western Europe need more than a properly run, secure and reliable health service"..

Cuts to scene of hospital door swinging open in a shiny and elegant looking hospital

Voiceover: "sometimes, what they need is a hero"

Cuts to sexy nurses looking on in awe. A Patient in a coma wakes and sits up in amazement. The camera pans across this hero's broad chest. to a name tag. 'Mary Harney' (Played by Morgan Freeman). She grabs a clip board with supreme confidence and re-visits the same patients as above

Harney: 'Your husband isn't dead, we'll have him exhumed at once'. Cut to scene of confused wife

Harney: 'Great news Hop-a-long, there was nothing wrong with your leg. We didn't need to amputate!!'. Cut to scene of guy in a wheelchair

Harney: 'You won't be needing this' as she grabs cane from patient. 'Or this!' as she shoots guide dog in the face...

Closing shot of Harney riding a white horse out of the hospital gates

"The HSE - Not all mistakes need to be bad ones"

Budgie's in Trouble

U2's 'Red Hill Mining Town' was an unreleased single from the Joshua Tree, and has now been included for the first time on their new DVD. Here's the Neil Jordan directed video, which looks like it was shot in the engine room of the George. The money shot is most certainly Claytons 'budgie release', which should feature at the next Gay Oscars. Mullens 'saucy' hammering cannot be overlooked either.




*I am aware that the George is unlikely to have an engine room

Babe (babe) I'm back again

Dear Public,

In the last few months, the artist formerly known as National Disgrace, and still known as National Disgrace (except to Mama Disgrace, who she knows simply as a 'fucking disgrace') has been doing the emotional boogie. His heart has been low, as his his pants. There have been tears, but then again, there has been laughs (a bit like being savagely beaten by a clown). Old friends have come and gone, and two very little cats have been re-homed. Disgrace Manor too, has been deserted and currently lays as an empty monument to heroism. It's curtains no longer shield the luxurious goings on of a man at the peak of his powers, but instead, empty halls that are haunted by the ghosts of many of our finest.

And Aldi have noticed a sharp decline in sales of it's cheapest wines

Until now.......

Rollerskate Skinny - Speed to my Side

The greatest Irish single of all time?

Reality Check

Life isn't all about ridiculous flathunting stories and Bertie Ahern in lingerie you know...

Flat Hunting

So, Disgrace is already regretting his decision to stick around this one horse town. I've been flat hunting you see. If you ever wanted a reason to do a 'Bertie' (kill yourself) then I urge you to join me as I take a tour of the seediest places in existence. Last night I went to see an 'apartment' that was advertised as 'stunning'. Obviously they mean stunning in the same way that being ejected out the windscreen of a moving car is stunning. 'All Mod Cons' was bandied about, but unless a dangerously wired 3 ring heater is considered the must have accessory of the noughties, then I didn't see much to get me excited. And you'd be more correct in saying that the dirt had windows attached to them than you would by saying the windows were dirty. Still, as anyone who knew me circa 1996 will know, I'm not fussy. I can handle a little bit of 'slumming' it as long as the people I'm with are worth the effort. The guy who was showing me the flat looking like a rapist Wurrzel Gummidge and I figured the term 'power shower' was as alien to him as a girlfriend. Still, he showed me around and was courteous. I enquired about Broadband and got shown a television in the corner. The tour didn't last long as the flat could be viewed in one 360 degree movement and soon I was sitting on the sofa answering personal questions about myself.

'Do you have a girlfriend' he asked. I noted at this stage that his left hand had been out of view for quite a long time. His demeanour startled me as he shuffled in a mixture of nervousness and personal ecstasy.. 'Or pets', he went on, his voice beginning to quiver a little. I left.

So, what's going on? So far this week I've seen places that look like Paedophiles lairs, Snuff movie sets, and Bela's gaff from Fair City, yet none of them, nor the beings that stalk their corridors, should be allowed exist.

Oh, and he offered the flat to someone else

Floating with Jape

After being out for around 15 years, Floating by Jape finally get's the full release treatment, on the Jape is Grape EP.. I got my hands on a 3 track promo of this and it's top stuff again. The video is below, and nearly 300,000 plays on youtube can't be bad..

Oh, and I have the exact same hat as the one on 17 secs....

How many HSE workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I suppose, if you've spent 7 years at lightbulb changing college, you'd be a little upset that 'anyone' could come in and do your job for you. I mean, I would be a little miffed if I arrived into work tomorrow and found someone pressing the buttons on this black thing on my desk and walking around the office with blank pages of paper in their hands and drinking coffee and nodding intently, so I can understand what the professional light bulb replacement engineers are thinking.

Still, they can always reciprocate and offer their services to the Health Service Executive in exchange. Sample headline "Heart Shock! - Electrician ruins cardiac op, kills 26 in process"

See if they like it then

*Credit to Mrs Cunningham for the scoop

Goldfinger, Bloc Party, Flux.

..from the Peter Serafinowicz show



..and the divisive new Bloc Party video. Amazing

Bibi Baskin

A few posts back, Disgrace shocked the Nation by declaring his intent to assume exile status and leave behind the country of his great emergence. There was poetry in the air that day, and perhaps a little too much cognac.

Now, barely weeks later, old N Dissy, has been persuaded to stay. Following an emotional number of weeks where Mac Disgracey faced off with 3 of the 10 most stressful things in life, the decision to keep the N boy and his valuable sperm in Ireland is sure to delight the masses.

So, rather than feeling the sand of freedom caress his toes, Disgrace will now be seen queuing for the 15B. Instead of sharing linguistics with the ancient Aztecs, he will be watching Fair City. Instead of dancing with passion to a street tango under an Argentinean moon, he will be raped and burgled..

Viva Irlanda

Monday Mournings

I came within a whisker of unleashing a cup of coffee into a colleagues face there. They were smiling. On a Monday. They were talking about Soccer or Profit/loss elasticity or something completely annoying and I just stood there, quivering with violent calm. It was probably just that I really wanted the coffee and that scalding would not be conducive to a career masterplan but I swear to god, it was nearly burn baby burn. Anyway, so I even went into the toilet to check my appearance in case I did anything that would end up on Sky News. My fellow workers will be glad to know that I'm not happy with my hair.

Perhaps it might be an idea not to watch 'Office Space' every Sunday night

I actually googled Bagpipes there to see how difficult they would be to buy. I just fancy arriving into work tomorrow and playing them at my desk.

Gonna write a classic

So, Myself and Fakey have decided to write a Sitcom. As of yet, the details are still being ironed out, but we have agreed that an element of 'humour' is important, if not crucial. 'Make it funny' Fakey said, 'and work backwards'..

Fakey likes to work backwards (No, not in that way!) and who am I to argue? I have first hand experience of working with Fakester so I know what to expect. A strong work ethic with a dash of 'looking at lesbians on the internet'. There'll be espressos, double espressos and double espressos with beer in them. There'll be inspirational board meetings and lavish orgies of ideas interspersed with nights in custody and hospitalisation. Working with Fake Daddy is like riding a bike without a saddle.. Yep, that's right, hugely enjoyable..

We've already started. In fact, all those years ago when a homemade Ireland flag we made nearly caused a Dublin Bus to crash, we vowed to get on the payroll with each other. There have been moments since, such as our glorious Petrol Station days, but only now are we taking it seriously.

Fakey is hell-bent on the series revolving around two polar opposites, living against the backdrop of a dying Celtic Tiger. I kinda prefer two Polar Bears living with a Celtic loving Tiger but we'll reach a compromise. We have some ideas, some good, all bad.

Vince and Onions - Vince is a 32 year old over achiever. He likes the fine things in life and Onions, a 35 year old slacker, with a secluded rural background, living in the big 'smoke' for the first time ever... Episode one - Onions goes on a date with his cousin and Vince is heavily taxed on imported wine

Bronx-itis - Comedy set in the US starring Charlie Sheen as a washed up baseball player. In the first episode his Mother comes to visit and gets electrocuted whilst his love life goes from bad to worse when Sheila admits to having a 'fling' with his dog, snappy

Maxi Priest - Father Ted rip off featuring a taxi driving father who delivers his sermons to his captive audience. Every episode ends in a tragic traffic accident, with the priest delivering the last rites, usually, and hilariously, whilst he asks for the fare..

Here we come Stardom!!