The Champions League of Extraordinary Fuckwits

Honestly, I could not care less about the Champions League final. Firstly, English soccer ball has gotten so boring that I would honestly get more enjoyment from imagining the application of paper-cuts to my penis. And the takeovers and the big budget transfers etc, tonight’s match will be like watching two shopping centre’s battle it out for worldwide domination. Then there’s the Ronaldo factor. He’s an annoyingly hyped up foot-swinger, with a neck you could have skiing lessons on, that is so feted upon in the British press that it’d have Princess Diana revolving in her grave.

However, my main issue with this ‘Theatre of Screams’, is the fans. All week I’ve listened to moronic comments from people who are literally hanging onto the bumper of the bandwagon as it screams past, grabbing everybody in its wake. Colleagues are taking tomorrow off so they can go out, get drunk and celebrate. People are leaving early so they can go home replicate tonight’s match on FIFA 08, and possibly masturbate to replays of Wayne Rooney scoring the winning penalty.

The girls too. Traditionally into field hockey and curtains, have now began to wear soccer jerseys rather than pretty frocks. They’ve replaced posters of The Carter Twins with ones of Ryan Giggs. They’ve even started to go to pubs.

And the ill-informed. Those who’ll be asking what colour Manchester Celtics are wearing tonight, and if a Try is worth the same amount as a Bulls-eye. They’ll be out in the pubs in force, drinking alcohol, from glasses and the like. “Do horses ever play football” they’ll ask. “Where’s Barry McGuigan?”.

And tomorrow. I will have to turn up the gauge on my bullshit spouter tomorrow, when I pretend I saw the game. I’m generally good at this so it shouldn’t be a problem, but in a perfect world I should be able to admit “No, I was actually watching Grand Designs in a high state of nakedness’. Instead I will have to reprise my ‘Go Sports!’ quote and further furnish my house of lies with a little ‘The scoreboard never lies!’ and ‘There was a lot of tactics on that pitch’..

Last Sunday, I took my nephew to see an eircom League of Ireland match. A real football match. We sat in the Sun. We watched an entertaining soccer game. We ate Leo Burdocks at both half time AND full time. We joined in on some of the songs. He got to touch the ball when it came into the stand. He got to see Glen Crowe, who he knows from his FIFA 08 game.

And we had a ball.

Tonight? You're having a laugh

Eircom League 'Weakly'

I once snuck into Dalymount park by climbing through some blackberry bushes, leaping over someone's back wall and then spending 2 hours perched on one foot (with barbed wire ripping at my trousers), in an attempt to catch a glimpse at Andy Townsend's debut for Ireland Vs France. I could just about make out the top of one of the goals, but by and large, I could not see anything. It was also lashing rain.

Last night I watched eircom league weekly on TV3 and the memories of that horrible night came flooding back. Now, I commend them for broadcasting it in the first place, and the studio discussion is leaps and bounds above the same for international games. But the coverage? Oh fuck. We saw some 'action' from Longford, that looked like it was filmed on a camera phone from the back of a moving bike,
whilst I could of sworn the highlights from Waterford were filmed from a security camera. Obviously TV3 undercut RTE to get the gig, but by compromising the quality, it is ultimately the league that suffers. Most peoples opinion of the LOI is based on what they see on TV, so it would really help if the back of someone's head wasn't in the way or it wasn't filmed from a tree

It's a real pity as the quality of the game is vastly better than it has been for a long time. Teams like Drogheda and St Pats are not just professional in name, but also in nature. Now if only TV3 was the same

Oh, and did you know they've got the rights to Irelands Rugby World Cup games?